i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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