i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
