1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
