you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize
