You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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