Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
