he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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