Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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