I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
