I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
