Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
