one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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