please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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