it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
