Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
