You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
