I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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