my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize