I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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