Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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