I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize