i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
