let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
