you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
