she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
