pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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