I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
