my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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