i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
