My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
