i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
