Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
