somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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