Dude my mom stole all your condoms
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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