I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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