Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
