tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
