I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
