She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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