I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize