Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Girls should come with a carfax report
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
