i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
