Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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