I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
