why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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