The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
pop tarts are not kleenex
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize