Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
