Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Holy sore nipples Batman
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
