I wish I could teleport
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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