I got chris browned last night
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
