And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize