So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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