mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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