From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So vagazzling was a success
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
