I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize