If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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