I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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