I showed him my bush... on skype.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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