i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
