She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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