the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
