I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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