he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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