The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
