broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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