I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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